Preparing Your Children for Adoption
Preparing Your Children for Adoption
How families can set up their to-be-adopted child and their current children for success
By: Savannah Richards, msw
Adoption is a beautiful, life-changing decision. When you already have children at home, the dynamic can become more complex. Navigating the emotional, logistical, and relational challenges of integrating an adopted child into an established family takes intention, patience, and empathy. Below, we explore some of the common challenges families face in this situation, along with practical advice for creating a supportive, loving environment for all children in the home.
1. Emotional Adjustments for Biological or Resident Children
Challenge:
Your existing children may feel uncertain, threatened, or confused about the arrival of a new sibling—especially one who may come with emotional or behavioral needs. Common reactions include jealousy, anxiety, and fear of losing parental attention.
Advice:
Open Communication: Prepare your children well before the adoption by talking honestly about what to expect. Let them express their feelings without judgment.
Involve Them in the Process: Whether it’s helping decorate the new sibling’s room or choosing toys, involvement helps create a sense of shared purpose.
One-on-One Time: Make sure to spend individual time with each child to reinforce that their bond with you remains strong and secure.
“Letting A be a part of some of the decision making and planning (age appropriate and not acting as a third parent). It helped A feel as though she was part of the plan. She helped decorate their rooms and pick out their bedding. We also made sure if people were sending gifts or items for our family welcoming the boys, that we did equal-type things for her. We also worked hard on making sure it was clear she was the older sibling. That very much mattered to her. She got to show them how to do stuff or where things were, introduce them to ppl, etc.”
“We did not give Luke details or explain all the unknowns in Isabella's situation. We told him we were caring for Isabella as long as she needed us. After that period, another hard part was that David and I wanted to be sure we balanced our attention well with Luke and Isabella and that Luke did not feel left out. We tried to ensure he was involved as much as we could.”
2. Bonding and Attachment Issues
Challenge:
Adopted children—particularly older ones—may struggle with attachment due to past trauma, loss, or transitions. This can affect not only their relationship with you but also with their new siblings.
Advice:
Be Patient and Consistent: Building trust takes time. Maintain predictable routines, clear boundaries, and consistent love.
Use Trauma-Informed Parenting Techniques: Learn about attachment styles and be ready to support a child who may not initially reciprocate affection.
Family Counseling: A therapist experienced in adoption can help facilitate early family bonding and guide siblings through the adjustment.
“Getting alone time either by myself, with my friends, with my parents, or even one at a time with the kids. Reading, coloring, doing a craft, playing on a device, or playing with something can also be good to unwind, calm down, or just get away from everything else. Therapy is good, too. It is nice to talk about how it is going, especially if something happened.”
“Be gentle. They have most likely been through something traumatic, upsetting, or something that they may not understand yet, depending on how old they are. Be the example. These kids look up to you more than you will ever know. They watch your every reaction to things, or how to behave in a situation, so be sure you make a good decision as their older sibling”
3. Managing Different Needs and Personalities
Challenge:
Every child is unique, and their needs may vary dramatically. This can be especially stark when adding a child who may have experienced neglect, loss, or special needs.
Advice:
Avoid Comparisons: Treat each child as an individual. Celebrate their strengths and acknowledge their struggles without placing them in competition.
Create Fair, Not Equal, Rules: Equity in parenting often means giving each child what they need, rather than the same exact thing.
Regular Family Meetings: Use structured times to discuss feelings, resolve conflicts, and reinforce family values.
“Find a space for quiet time away from the 'new chaos.' It was loud, with lots of crying at the beginning. A needed somewhere to relax and not be a part of the chaos.”
4. Coping with External Judgments and Pressures
Challenge:
Friends, extended family, or even educators may treat your adopted child differently or have outdated, insensitive views about adoption.
Advice:
Set Boundaries: Educate those around you on respectful language and behavior. Correct misconceptions kindly but firmly.
Advocate for All Your Children: Be proactive with teachers, coaches, and caregivers in ensuring all your children are treated with dignity and understanding.
Build a Support Network: Connect with other adoptive families. They can provide a safe space to share stories and strategies.
“We both used our maternity and paternity leave in a unique way, splitting up time and making sure each of us had one-on-one time with each child. This was crucial for us in ensuring our biological child and our newly adopted child received our time and attention during the transition.”
5. Shifting Family Identity
Challenge:
Adoption changes the family story. Your identity as a family will evolve, and it may take time for everyone to feel secure in this new chapter.
Advice:
Embrace Your New Narrative: Share your family's adoption story in age-appropriate ways and create rituals that celebrate your unity.
Celebrate Differences: Recognize and honor the cultural, racial, or personal background of your adopted child. This strengthens their sense of identity and belonging.
Stay Flexible: The journey of adoption doesn’t end with placement—it’s an ongoing process. Remain open to learning and growing together as a family
The quotes above were submitted by current or previous families being served by our adoption program at Catholic Charities Diocese of Arlington Pregnancy & Adoption Support. Names have been changed or modified to protect confidentiality.
Resources for Families:
Sibling Dynamics- Creating a Family
Adopting Out of Birth Order- Creating a Family
Books for Siblings:
Books for Parents
Sources:
How to Prepare your Child for an Adopted Sibling (article by Robyn Chittister)
What about my other children? (NCFA Article)
Adoptive Siblings: The Invisible Family Members (by Jana Hunsley)
The Second Time Around (article by Lisa Milbrand)
Thinking about Adoption if you Already Have Children (by First4Adoption)