Brain First Parenting
The idea of “Brain First Parenting” was developed by Eileen Devine and it offers a different way of understanding children with challenging behaviors. Instead of asking, “How do I get my child to stop doing this?”, Devine’s approach encourages caregivers to instead ask “What is happening in my child’s brain that is making this behavior difficult?”
Looking Beyond the Behavior
One of the foundational ideas of Brain First Parenting is that behavior is communication, and Devine stresses that as the caregiver, it can be difficult to remember this especially when a child is escalated.
A child may appear defiant, impulsive, argumentative, forgetful, controlling, or unwilling to cooperate. While these behaviors can be difficult, Brain First Parenting encourages parents to look beyond the behavior and consider what might be happening underneath. Could the child be struggling with emotional regulation, impulse control, memory, flexibility, sensory processing, problem-solving, or transitions? These shifts can be especially meaningful for children who have experienced trauma, foster care, adoption, prenatal substance exposure, or other experiences that may affect development and neurobiology.
From “Won’t” to “Can’t…yet”
Brain First Parenting encourages caregivers to consider the difference between won't and can't. For example, a child who repeatedly forgets to complete a morning routine may not simply be refusing to cooperate. They may genuinely struggle to remember multiple steps, transition between activities, or organize themselves independently. Devine goes into the different cortexes of the brain and how if a child struggles with short term memory, that relates to a problem with their prefrontal cortex.
Instead of increasing consequences, a Brain First approach might involve breaking the routine into smaller steps, using visual reminders, providing additional preparation, or adjusting expectations.
The goal of this approach isn't to excuse inappropriate or unsafe behavior. It is to understand what skills a child has—and where they need support developing those skills.
Connection Before Correction
When children become overwhelmed or dysregulated, their ability to reason, problem-solve, communicate, and learn from consequences can decrease. Brain First Parenting therefore emphasizes regulation and connection before teaching or correcting.
This doesn't mean that boundaries aren't important. Children still need structure, safety, and expectations. But those expectations are most effective when they take the child's developmental and neurological needs into account.
A Different Way Forward
Brain First Parenting ultimately invites caregivers to move from “How do I fix this behavior?” to “What does my child need to be successful?”
For adoptive and foster families, this perspective can be particularly valuable. Children may come to their families with histories and experiences that have shaped how their brains respond to stress, relationships, transitions, and everyday demands. Understanding the brain behind the behavior doesn't eliminate challenges, but it can replace frustration with curiosity, punishment with support, and shame with compassion.
Ultimately, as foster and adoptive parents, changing the way we understand a child's behavior is the first step toward changing the way you parent.
Eileen Devine’s website offers a three-month guided program for parents raising children and teens with brain-based differences. She also has a free podcast available which focuses on a variety of topic including addressing school- based anxiety, when kids “lack motivation”, and essential mind shifts for more connected parenting.
Resources
Brain First Parenting | Eileen Devine. (2026). Eileen Devine. https://www.eileendevine.com/brain-first-parenting
Brain First Parenting
seeing your child’s behavior as communication first
written by Savannah Richards, lcsw