Fostering Lifelong Relationships with Birth Parents
Research consistently shows that adopted children who maintain some level of connection with their birth families often experience positive outcomes in areas such as identity development, emotional well-being, and understanding their adoption story. Open adoption is not only beneficial for an adopted child; it benefits birth parents as they work to resolve their grief surrounding placing a child for adoption and it benefits the adoptive family as they raise their adopted child to understand who they are and where they come from.
Shared by National Council for Adoption, research from Minnesota Texas Research Adoption Project (2013), one of the largest and oldest longitudinal studies of adoptive families and birth mothers, finds the following benefits of open adoption:
Adolescents understand that there are multiple adults in their lives who care for them but have different roles in their lives and see their birth relatives as real people who can share information about their background;
Birth mothers have less unresolved grief; and
Adoptive parents don’t fear birth parents but rather benefit from their relationship with them.
While every adoption is unique, it can be helpful to think of openness as existing on a spectrum. For some adoptive families, openness may involve exchanging photos and written updates. For others, it may include phone calls, video chats, or in-person visits. There is no one-size-fits-all approach—healthy openness looks different for every child and family. Openness is not only completing a list of types or frequency of contacts, but an attitude of openness to a relationship with a birth parent.
Open adoption invites both adoptive and birth parents to embrace something that can feel uncomfortable: a lack of control. Parenting through adoption is different from parenting a biological child. Adoptive parents become connected to someone they did not previously know—their child's birth parent. That relationship begins without the shared history that most family relationships naturally develop over time. Like any meaningful relationship, trust is not immediate. It is built gradually through consistent communication, respect, empathy, and shared experiences.
Although the relationship may evolve over time, one reality remains true: a child's birth parents will always be an important part of their story. Approaching that relationship as an adoptive parent with humility, compassion, and a willingness to grow benefits not only the adults involved but, most importantly, the child at the center of the adoption.
One tool we use to help establish healthy expectations is the Post Adoption Communication Contract Agreement (PACCA). The National Council for Adoption explains that a PACCA helps provide structure for ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families while supporting the relationship as it evolves over time (Rosman, 2025). The agreement outlines the type and frequency of communication—such as photos, letters, emails, phone calls, or in-person visits—creating a shared understanding after placement. While the PACCA provides a valuable foundation, it is intended to be a starting point, recognizing that relationships and the needs of the child may change over time.
When we consider an adopted child's entire childhood, we recognize that much can change over eighteen years. Birth parents may experience significant personal growth, healing, differing stages of grief, or changes in life circumstances. Likewise, the needs of the child and adoptive family will continue to evolve. As an adoptive parent, one of your most important roles is to remain consistent, compassionate, and child-centered, regardless of the level of engagement from your child's birth family.
There may be seasons when communication is limited or a birth parent is unable to maintain the level of contact originally envisioned. These situations can be difficult, especially as your child begins asking questions or processing feelings of disappointment. During these moments, the way you speak about and represent your child's birth parents matters deeply. Children benefit when they are given permission to love all the important people in their lives without feeling caught between them. Even when circumstances are difficult, choosing to speak with grace, honesty, and respect helps create emotional safety for your child. At the same time, remain open to hope. Relationships can grow. Trust can deepen. People can heal. While every story is different, maintaining a posture of empathy leaves room for healthy connection as circumstances change.
Finally, remember that you are not expected to navigate these relationships alone. Your adoption agency remains a valuable resource long after placement. Lean on your agency for guidance as you build and maintain your relationship with your child's birth family. They can help you determine appropriate settings for visits, offer conversation starters, navigate concerns, and provide ongoing support as your family's relationships continue to grow and change.
Resources:
Allisan, M. R. (2019). Foundation for love: General principles for post-adoption communication agreements. https://www.indianaadoptionprogram.org/resources/general-principles-for-post-adoption-communication-agreements-umass-amherst/
Duxbury, M. (2007). Making room in our hearts. https://www.routledge.com/Making-Room-in-Our-Hearts-Keeping-Family-Ties-through-Open-Adoption/Duxbury/p/book/9780415955027
Easterly, S., Vander Vliet Ranyard, K., & Holden, L. (2023). Adoption unfiltered. Rowman & Littlefield.
H. D., McRoy, R. G., Wrobel, G. M., & Ayers-Lopez, S. (2013). Contact between adoptive and birth families: Perspectives from the Minnesota/Texas Adoption Research Project. Child Development Perspectives, 7(3), 193–198. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12039Jones
Rosman, E. (2025). Post adoption contact agreements: What they are, what they include and how they help. National Council For Adoption. https://adoptioncouncil.org/publications/post-adoption-contact-agreements-what-they-are-what-they-include-and-how-they-help/
Sisson, G. (2024). Relinquished. St. Martin’s Press. https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250286772/relinquished/